As had been oracle-ized in the previous post, BatMon started begging Murugan to make him cool & powerful! He begged, he super-begged and he ultra mega begged. Murugan had said yes to him at the drop of the first beg & peg, but BatMon persisted just to show-off his persistence power.

Proof: Once his ‘then alive’ Peppa casually bet Clijju (alter ego BatMon) that he can’t pee more than 4 meters.  Clijju, then aged 5, put himself on a no pee, only beer diet for 3 continuous days and went on to define what is now known as the Gautham City’s legendary CLOP (Clijju’s Line Of Persistence) Street.

Murugan: (waking BatMon from his reverie)  “What every superhero needs, is a secret base, from where he can control his operations! And since there are not many caves in Goutham city, I found an old empty well instead. From today it will be known as Bat-Well! Remember, everything that we use from now on… should have the prefix ‘Bat’. It’s all about branding. ”

BatMon: “Bat Why? I mean but why?”

Murugan: “Bat Fact # 32 – You are black, your clothing is black & you go into the black night to hunt villains. If you don’t do branding people will accredit it all to – The Invisible Mon, you bat-head!!!”

BatMon: “Bat-point taken!”

Murugan: “Come now, follow me, I will show you your Bat-gears!”

BatMon: “Yep brb (bat right back), I will see you on the dark side of the Bat-Well soon. I need to pick the black lungis and the black banians that I gave to Chinnu-mol, for washing.”

Murugan: “BatMon, remember, NO ONE should know of our secret location!”

BatMOn: “NOW YOU TELL ME, YOU OLD FOOL… I just Bat-Twittered ‘New Hideout found, Hide-out warming party on Bat Sat Nite! Bat-RT Plz!”

Murugan: “YOU RAT-BRAINED-BAT, NO more communications, of any form, from outside the Bat-Well.

BatMon: “ Fine! Fine! Bat Off now!”

When BatMon returned to Bat-Well…. what lay in front of him, blew his head off.


Bat-Gears

1> The Bat-Suit: The Bat-Suit consisted of 3 parts: Bat-Mask, Bat-Vest & the Bat-Mundu! The difference was that, these were now reinforced with sun-dried coconut shells, flattened out and coated with termite protection & doubly-layered  titanium coated razor blades. Cutting-edge technology on show!

2> The Bat-Mobile: The biggest goof-up in the history of comics, was rectified by Murugan, by ensuring that Bat-mobile now actually is a Mobile! He had assembled the strongest cell-phone ever customized in history, by using sun-dried coconut shells, flattened out and coated with termite protection & doubly-layered titanium coated razor blade and putting it on top of a Bat-Nokia 3310. Edge technology again!

3> The BAtlas Cycle: This was a customized version of Clijju’s Peppa’s  bicycle fitted with the blaring horn of the local idli-seller Rajappan. The master craftsman, that Murugan was, did the modification in less than 30 seconds! As Murugan proclaimed with tears in his eyes, “ And this BatMon, is my greatest creation! This is your BAtlas Cycle my boy, with a new SONAR Blaster horn. Now your pimped up ride is eco-friendly as well as echo-friendly! “

Batlas Cycle

4> The Batli-lityBelt: Batmon’s utility belt, consisted of discarded little Parachute and Ujala bottles( which makes up for 41.45% of refuse in Mallu houeholds) painted black and filled with all possible liquids, that could help him. Beer & vodka shots, HCL & sulphuric acid, Snake Venom & anti venom, Chloroform & Styrofoam everything…  Coconut Oil?– Obviously! Due to some initial start-up trouble and forgetting which bottle contains what, Batmon now has a Bat shaped hole in his trachea.

5> The Batter – Rangs/Hooks: This was another collab between Idli vendor Rajappan & Murugan. All the unsold idilies*(which practically accounted for all idlies made), were purchased by Murugan and after cutting up into little bat shapes, they were allowed to remain overnight. They automatically turned titanium hard. Now this solved the problems over stake outs  & stealth missions alike. Batmon could use it as a hook to grapple or throw as a boomerang  as well and munch on it over long hungry nights. Murugan who was a knowledgeable man got inspired to make this, on remembering the famous (Movie-)Mughal Emperor Nasir-ud-din Shah famous words of wisdom:  Thoda Khaaneka, Thoda Fekneka….

BatMon quickly got himself into the gears and cycled his way laboriously into the dark inky night! Alfie & Murugan wiped away their tears, and drank to his health.

Does BatMon’s suit hold up? Did Chinnumol do a good job at washing? How much did Alfie & Murugan drink that night? Tune in next time. Same BatSite. Same BatURL!

*Unsold Idlies: In Kerala, every house at any point in time, has more idlies than house-flies, per square meter, [as per the WHO & FDA joint census venture 2008]. So an idli vendor in Kerala is considered the lowest order degenerate whose skill is secondary to that of the lazy local 3 footed, one eyed, half-eared mongrel. No mongrelian feelings were meant to be harmed while framing the above statement.

—————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
Next Episode:

Batmon finds a fiery adversary.  As to every ‘Ying’, there is a ‘Yang’. Similarly as to every ‘Ping’, there is a ‘Pong’. Similarly, as to every ‘Batmon’ there is a ……  ‘JOGGER’! What happens in a face-off when Batmon’s black face, comes face to face, with The Jogger’s white face.  The Rising Of  The Jogger!

Very Very Bat Joke:

Q: Where does Batmon keep all his money?

A: In his Bat-wa  😛

( Pic Courtesy: Thakkar & Burk )

BatMon was still learning. After the proclamation to serve Goutham City in his previous blogpost , there was not much ground that he had covered (and he was feeling rather stupid for taking the oath as well. But the damage was already done). He had taken many a wrong steps & as a matter of fact, one particular one had given him a swollen ankle.

But ever determined to succeed and to do his part right, like all good superheroes, he tried to be helpful. To know more on this, he did some web research. Spidey promptly sued him for unauthorized access into his domain. Alfie, BatMon’s Manager, got that one artbitrated over a round of desi and appams.

BatMon’s second attempt on being the harbinger of surprises and happiness was doubly dhamaakedaar. He looked up and searched as to which super hero or superhero like figure was looked at with much respect and love. He tried to emulate being the black version of the red guy, and started dropping alcohol bottles down the chimneys of the neighbourhood houses, at the stroke of the midnight hour.

There is still a serial arsonist case pending at Goutham City police Station, against the 10 houses that were burnt to cinders by a masked marauder.

As the wipmy BatMon cried into the night, yet again, as on every other night, he met him.

Silhouette Person: “Yo Mon BatMon, ssup dawg!”

BatMon: “You got the wrong animal Pa … bugger off”

SP: “Come now … I am not here to preach. I am here to help you … the name’s Murugan!”

BM: “Right … and what do you do?”

M: “Me … Nothing! I am just a free man!”

BM: “So what does that make you?”

M: “Murugan Freeman”

BM: “Right … I have heard of you. I always thought you were a voice over!”

MF: “On most days yes … but for you, as of today, I am your in house tech expert. I come to you, with years and years of texperience to boast off. Any Mallu super cool stuff, you name it … I made it.

Slip-on elastic lungies to waterproof anti-rain undies. Diet Coco to Microwave Payasam to Moustache curlers to Paper Dosa 2.0! ”

BM: ” WTF is Paper Dosa 2.0 ?”

MF: ” You get an actual paper with all the Masala to read along while you eat? Aint it neat?”

BM:”Hmmm … but why do you want to help me?”

MF: ” I owe almost all of my success to your father. As a kid I was young … ”

BM: “Would have never guessed!”

MF: ” … and heady! After discovering the slip-on lungi, my name had spread far and wide… in Goutham city. And I started looking down on people. One day, I drank too much and started abusing your father, and I laughed off Alfie’s coconut-flavored-groundnut-brandy-with-sparkling-banana chips AlfieQ. Your father couldn’t stand me disgracing his dear friend & had thrown a challenge, as to who will find the solution to Kerala’s biggest problem, faced by 80% of Mallus all over Juhu- Chowpatty and other beaches – Cutting the Coconut to drink the water within!”

BM:  * Snore… Snore…ZZZZzzzzz!*

MF:”… we were to meet exactly one year later and demonstrate out skills.

Using all the money I earned from the patents, I reached Shaolin, a mountaineous village just off Palakkad, and learnt the “7-slash polyhedral-coconut-break-technique”

And on the D-day, I reached over to your father’s house. I called him names, and got all the villagers together, hell bent on disgracing your family name. Knowing that I would totally kill it,  I displayed my awesumness technique, for which I spent all my fortunes and trained like crazy for a year.

* Batmon groggily wakes up, rolls over to a nearby tree, waters it, rolls back to sleep *

MF: “After my powerfully powerful show of strength I was expecting a jaw transplant for your Pappa, supposed to be caused due it crashing into the floor … but … your Father didn’t even blink an eye. He smiled. He took his coconut and in one neat move, ran a handy power-drill through it, put a straw in and drunk it smugly!  The villagers clapped.  A battery operated handy power drill… that was it … the solution to a million Malayali coconut vendors over the world. Oh and how they rejoiced! Coconut husks thrown skywards in celebration, blocked out the sun!

Your Pappa had never even left his shop and had quadrupled his earnings. He only spent Rs.1999.99 on Item code:  B@TP0P from Tele Shopping Network. My aerodynamic wind tunnel tested HattoriKuttan Hanzo Ammaman’s sword alone had cost me 50 times as much. No cable in Shaolin … so no TSN, otherwise perhaps the story could have been different. But that’s destiny!

He taught me an important lesson that day…

BatMon: * muttering in sleep* “Mmmm Batgirl… Mmmmm. Who Pappa whoooo. Yeah baby…. Yes Batterram Bam Bam!”

MF:”Even a perfect thing, can still be perfected. He taught me that! Now, the right time is afoot and I shall pass on the legacy to…  Oh you are asleep! I never noticed … perhaps another time!”

* to himself aloud * “Wow he has made a Bat Tent with his cape … but, sadly it only covers his waist! I will have to optimize it. All in good time! Sleep Batmon, Mon Ami, Sleep! May Your Bat Hood always come to your rescue ! (He meant the mask you twisted creeps!)”

What happens to BatMon? How does Murugan help him find his destiny? Was Batgirl truly satisfied …. for all this tune … no may be not the last question… but for the rest, tune in next time. Same BatSite. same BatURL!

————————————————————————————————————-

Next Episode:

BatMon Beggings!

BatMon begs Murugan to make him cool! And cool he gets with gadgets and new equipments! Murugan at his best!

Note:  BatMon & Batcove episode was censored by the board, as scientists out there seems to be a continued argument regarding the Batting positions. Also the board felt that as an author I was turning on the heat too early, for cheap publicity! Such batty creatures …

Very Very Bat Joke:

Q: Hey Batmon, you and Robin attended the same courses in college?

A: No, different courses, but he was my Bat-mate  😛

The Place:

It all started in the small village in Kerala, 12-odd kilometers north of Thrissur and to the south of Jammu, called Gouthamanapuram. But the encroaching developments had transformed the face of this teeny little obscure rained-in-24×7-village into < bated breath … Asthma & bronchitis people please go easy> GOUTHAM CITY! It was a city that remained overlooked by the Kerala State Electricity Board till 2004, considering it as jengle-land. They were finally discovered during the State I&B Department’s Cellular Rural Availability Programme <CRAP> Campaign. After much hoo-hulla and a brief powerful display of power to light up 15 zero volt bulbs, KSEB had started load-shedding. This being the powerless history of a powerful dark city, (once again for brand recall) GOUTHAM CITY!

The Man / The Mon:

BatMon (Picture Courtesy: Sood Dood & Mammooty)

He was born Bloomingkumaran Atapatachatathomveetil Todallyawesumeshwara Megadethmetallikeyakkarin Odipoyipattikuttidath Nunson. And like all kids born with the aforementioned name in Kerala, he was lovingly called Clijju. If you were to ask me why he was so called, I could have in-turn asked you to go ask his Peppa, but he had died when Clijju was just Cli. I could have asked to ask his Memmy, but the day Peppa died, Memmy also rode along, with a one-way ticket to the dark side.

< Flash-bag>

To say that Clijju was born with a silver spyoon in his mouth would have been an understatement. Like most affluent Mallus, he was born with a GOLD – Joy Allukas Limited editions one. Peppa was the local toddy-baron; he owned 8 toddy shops in central Goutham city, which only had 16 houses in all to begin with. By the age of 6, Clijju had his own toddy shop! Clijju was sent to school but every-time he sat for an exam, he was only able to spell half his name, before the time was up.

His childhood dream of being the youngest Marxist Party MLA by the age of 10 was lost amongst waiting tables in the toddy shops, even though he had strike-rate of 128 bandhs / year to his name. But even then Clijju had a much contended life, having fish for breakfast, fish for lunch and fish for dinner at night and late night drinks with Peppa and his school friends. Not to mention the wonderful Gazelle Nites at his shack, which he spent with Peppa, listening to famous tracks like ‘Toddy toddy piya karo’ and ‘Toddy si jo pi li hain’ …

That ‘black’ day, yes … it was ‘Rock-Night’ theme at Toddy HQ, their neighbour Thomachhan had called for yet-another bottle of liquor. Clijju knew that like the 234.5 bottles before,Thomachchan wouldn’t pay for this one too. But keeping in mind, Peppa’s standing instructions, on never saying no to a thirsty person, Clijju obliged. Clijju, knowingly handed Tom a bottle with a crack in it. Thomachhan was too drunk to notice anyway. On a high, Thomachhan, who was a ‘penk rogger’ by heart, started singing ‘I am the firestarter… I am the fire-starter’ and whirled around like a dervish, spilling toddy through the crack on all seated in that shop. It was like join the dots, except ’twas join the people. Clijju, aged 10, missed the spew, because of his tiny height.

Still angered at all the mess that was happening, Clijju, who was already high of his 10th bottle, threw a benananana peel purposely into Thomachhan’s orbit. But the prank went awfully wrong from here on. Thommachchan slipped and along with him the bottle slipped and landed near the kerosene stove. As predicted, he was indeed the fire starter. All around shop things start really heating up. No … I meant the other actual heating up … thermodynamically speaking, fire types. In a matter of minutes, everyone in the shop got lighted up like a lavangi during Diwali & the tape recorder symbolically gave a soulful rendition of Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring Of Fire’.

The last words that Peppa told Memmy were, “You are really glowing tonight!” And Clijju could tell that, this time, he really really meant it. With tear–filled eyes, Clijju watched away as his Peppa and Memmy embraced each other and poofed up in smoke. All around there was gloom, the mood had gone deep purple … and instinctively the tape recorded played … yes you guessed right … no not ‘Stairway to Heaven’ (see italicised hint morons) … it played … err … ‘Fireball’.

The searing heat had vaporized all of Clijju’s tears. He promised, I will cry no more. I am not as lachrymally challenged as that wimpy Spiderman. The moody tape recorder quickly spewed Ozzy with ‘No More Tears’.

That day in the dead of the night, he took an oath of no return.
“I, Bloomingkumaran Atapatachatathomveetil Todallyawesumeshwara Megadethmetallikeyakkarin Odipoyipattikuttidath Nunson …”

(by the time he said this much the sun was up, so the rest of the oath continued the next night)

“I … err the same guy as yesterday, will forever extinguish all the flames in my life forever, and forever I will embrace the dark forever and ever. Really …  forever!”

The Mon-ager

As, Clijju, screamed into the night, unaware to him, all his anguish was being viewed by someone else. High in the nocturnal inkiness, a heartbroken Freddie chorused Clijju’s scream … the only emotion Freddie ever emoted in his life. Momentarily, Freddie got carried away, making him lose his grip and falling off the palm tree, he was frisking liquor from. Clijju, whirled around to see Alfred, his Peppa’s best toddy brewer, standing there … err … in his undies. Clijju quickly climbed up the tree and retrieved Freddie’s lungi, from amongst the palm fronds. After all what are fronds for … I mean … friends for!

It was then that Freddie spoke in his Cainian Mallu monotone,“That was fast Master , but I can tell that there is room for improvement. I can make Faster, Stronger … and definitely get you Higher”.  With that, Freddie offered Clijju the fresh toddy he had just collected. He continued, “I know about the whole disaster… my heart moans with you. For me, your Father was like Dionysus himself, and your Mother gave me as much love…err I mean respect, as much she gave your Father. Your loss … is my loss …” Suddenly Kapil Dev dropped out of nowhere and said, “Our Loss!”

After that supremely awkward moment, Freddie, again held out a bottle of his best brew and continued, “Endure, Master. Take it. They’ll hate you for it, but that’s the point of Clijju, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice the right brew”

It was then that Clijju knew that he should hold no regrets … and that he had to stand true by his brew, and forever serve Goutham city!

He screamed again………..

“I am THE DARK KNIGHT… Bloomingkum…no let me stick to my initials…”

“I am B.A.T.M.O.N!!!”

————————————————————————————————————-

Next Episode:
Batmon & Batcove!

Brand Sponsors: Kerala Tourism. To win couple passes for 2 nights and 3 more nights at the BatCove SMS CoveLove to 12345 or call on our toll free number 1800-HOT-BAT!!! Hurry and special Early Bat prizes to be won!

—————————————————————————————————————

BatMon Post 2: Tech That BatMon

BatMon Post 3: BatMon Gears Up!

You witness the strange phenomenon once again. You are so back in the traffic jam, that you move when the signal turns red, and you grind to a halt when it goes green. You are so confused… that ultimately, when you see the open road right ahead, you don’t know which color means start and which means stop. But, the rick guy who’s driving you around knows best… he slows down enough to make it stop until it goes red again, and sets the universe back in order! The greatness of rick guys has already been eulogized in a previous post. I guess they are to thank for the following experiences too.

Traffic Signals, seriously, are amazing enough to have been filmed upon and written about. And why not, it’s an awesome act that goes on there, day in day out, 24X7, and never ever with the same set of characters! And, in this ‘nautanki’ of life, there are a few ‘stars’, who know their lines, and their roles, and in fact are forced to know them well enough, to eke out a living on that stage. You see the Havaldar, and you wonder whether he oils the hinges of bones on his hand everyday. There’s the tell tale cripple, the blackened boy in tattered clothes, the man carrying another on his back, like Vikram-Betaal . Add to this mélange, a bookseller, the peanut guy and the ‘Sir, flowers for Madam’ guy. Evil eye banisher nimbu-mirchi lady smiles away through brisk sales, but the gajra girl sports a frown, with flowers adorning the hair seeming to be on a decline, with fashionable hairdos setting in.  Then you see the eunuch and begin to think that strange is the director who character-sketched this part at the signal! Three incidents on… it’s not the director, but it’s the script-writer that left me dumbfounded!

A Eunuch

Me and my friend, are stuck at the Andheri Shopper’s Stop signal, which over the times is starting to seem ritualistic. I see eunuchs approach. About them, human emotions were being put on a vibrant display. Some swore, some shrank with fear, some turned into SRKs < read emotively plastic>, some sat smug in their A/C cars, some smiled, and some threw a few Rupees out, even when they were two rickshaws away!

I always find myself in a dilemma, when it came to paying beggars, whichever role it may be that they are portraying. I don’t encourage it. So I sit still, and stare at the signal, willing it to turn, but the numbers that ticked down, ensured that I remained put. The eunuch draws up close to my rick, peeks, instantly sees my lack of intent to pay up and says…

“Sir, Medems < to my lady friend>, some monies, for all your dreams, wishes come true. One time only pay!!!”

I paid up, so did my friend, completely out of surprise… My mind was lost, picturizing far away, Eunuch Voice Training / English Speaking Centres! Then the eunuch smiled and let out a sonically philaharmonesque “Thank you” that would have made a few airhostesses and mobile/credit card ‘free offer’ plan women turn suicidal over job security!!!

This brought to mind, two other amazing stories that my brother had narrated.

The first was what my brother’s classmate experienced, when she found herself at the receiving end of a singing talent.

“ It ees a lhouly wheather.
There is no suuuuuun todaaaay,
There is no mooooooon todaaay,
It ees a lhouly wheatherrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!”
“Monies Please!!!”

I bet she couldn’t have said no after that performance!!!

The second and the best was …

My bro and another girl, who was his senior in his college, were traveling in a rick, when pounced upon by a motormouth who starts showering them with blessings!

“ Arre aapko bohot saari khushiyan milen, aapko padhai main achche number mile, aapko achchi naukri mile…blah blah blah blee blee blee blue blue blue”

They are in the process of paying up, when the eunuch suddenly utters, “ Aap dono ko bohot saare bachche ho”

My bro and the girl suddenly freeze and put up a shocked look. The girl says, “Arrey, ye mera bhai jaisa hain… hamare bachche nahin honewale!!!”

The eunuch quips, “Arre lekin maine kab kaha aapko bachche ek doosre se honge. Aapko aapke pati se hoga… aur inko inki biwi se!!! Aap log bhi naa…”,

She grabs the money and fades back into the petrol fumes, leaving behind two idiots with sheepish grins, and an ‘about to burst soon’ rick guy with a very very interesting story to narrate back at the rick stand!!!

X-Men IV

So then, I see Wolverine struggle up to me in the middle of the final fight as Magneto controls him to make Wolvie’s claw poke his own ass, making him dance about. Wolverine shouts, “ Come on quick RixxawMan… we don’t have much time. Ouchh! At least, I don’t… before I am scarred for life …Ouuii… only you can help us out!”, and I reply, with a resilient, power-packed… “ Yeaaah!”
—————————————————————————————————————————————–

Everyone wishes to be special. And I realized that I was special, some time back! Ever since I saw Iron-Man, I have been tempted to make an identity reveal, and since celeb blogging is the rage these days, I thought might as well! So behold… I am …

RixxawMan!

RixxawMan

My power: <drum-roll> I have the ability to affect auto rickshaw drivers, and provide for entertaining rick-rides.

I know, I know, I know that I have powers of a slightly weird kind.… but hey, it’s a start! Nevertheless, to continue for my err fans, how I may have got this power you ask? Frankly, I don’t know. Perhaps there’s a mechanical engineering based link to the whole aspect, but I think it was the scratch that I got, when alighting out from one ominous ride, and guess some higher powers decided that instead of tetanus, I was given – responsibility!

The name ‘RickshawMan’ would have just provided you an imagery of an old ‘one foot in grave’ guy pulling a rickshaw in the chilly morns of Kolkata. So rather than that I thought up of an uber cool superhero V2.0 name, with an ‘x’ effect – ‘RixxawMan’ ! To continue with my coolness quotient, I am endowed with well toned muscle, and a single ab, sans the pansy cape and chaddi on the outside! Speaking again of my powers … it took me a few rick rides to really discover what I could actually do as RixxawMan.

Let me give you my top 5 ricksperienecs!

5> The Disciple: <As a rick pulled in> I said, “Chalo Bhai… Andheri jaana hain!” He nods, PUTS ON THE METER …and drives away…. with me left standing at the kerb of the road! :O

I discover my Mind Control power!

4> The Indian Idol: Me and my accomplice La Maathey < My French Oracle! Yes…you may bow to my style and finesse > promise to give a torturous rendition of a song all the way, to an adversary for some catty comments she made on us about our vocal prowess. We take our off-tune singing very very seriously. So we are about to get into the rick… Miss Catty, gives a slip and takes the side seat disabling the use of our right hand side Dolby speaker <La Maathey>. Ms. Catty begins to snigger, and celebrate her li’l victory, when I unleash my power! Our rick-driver gets on to a full throated Bihari number, clocking 127.8 decibels, and made the concert lasts for the duration of the rick ride. Oracle and I, found our powers being acknowledged by a shivering new fan!

I discover my Sonic Control power!

3> Mr Ice Guy: Me and La Maathey, are again ricking our way back… on the day of serial train blasts. There was much panic. We were sitting quite, when rickshaw guy says, “ Aaaj toh raste kaafi khaali hain!” We say, “ Haan bomb blasts ke kaaran, sab jaldi ghar gaye honge!” Mr Ice Guy, as if he just heard something as common as sunrise/sunset “Achha… bomb blasts hue hain kya? Hmmmm…”

I discover my Chaos Control power!

2> The Joker: What’s a super hero without wit! So then after long dull, sordid day, my friends get picked up, by me in a rick. And in response to our sullen moods, the rick guy starts his ‘sit-down’comedy! He takes us through detailed descriptions of films like Hera Pheri, 123 and Welcome and has us in splits throughout the journey. He then got into poojofying the Lord of the Lords Mithunda, and compared his punches to hits with a iron frying pan! He ended his sit-down stand-up, eulogizing God Mithun, “Mithun hain na… woh toh India ka Undertaker hain”! Very punny… if you see it!

I discover my Mood Control power!

1>Hippocrates: So then La Mathey and I are again in a rick ride, when our rick guy, slightly cuts another rick enroute making the other guy swerve a bit! Happens all the time you say? The other guy revs up… skids to a halt in front our rick. He gets out.. Rajni style, and barsofies on our thin weedy rick guy! All his convos are in “ What ifs”. “ Dhakka lagta toh?” “ Tail light foot-ta toh” “ Accident main hame lag jaata toh” … Our guy meekly said, “ Arre bhai lekin kuch hua nahin na!” This angered him even more, and he said the following lines: <I am still pinching myself while writing this>, “ Mere gaadi main jo baitha hain na woh heart patient hain… WOH MARR JAATA TOH!”

Me- :O
La Maathey- :O
Our Rick Guy- :O
Heart Patient- :O

Presently a Traffic Hawaldar swoops in… lands a whack on the back of the emotional rickdriver guy for stalling traffic and sends him off with a “Tichya Maaila.. chal hadddddd!!” We continued the journey in total bewilderment!

I discover my Total WTF power!

————————————————————————————————————
“RixxawMan, will please stop blogging and …ooh… Aaah… Ouch… Rrrasscue me ”, said Wolvie with tears in his eyes. And I replied with yet another deep baritone, fear rendering, chill to the bones types, “ Yeaaah!”

I use my Mind Control powers and yelled, “By the Powers of the Rixxaw” and get a dozen a rickshaws to turn up, complete with dhinchak jhankar beats and all.

Magneto smiles evilly and begins to attract the ricks to himself so that he could crush them. But, he underestimate my soober Mallu logic. I then use my Total WTF powers and get Himesh Reshammiya to apparate out of one of the ricks and then I back it up with my Sonic control power, and unleash a murderous…zara jhoom jhoom, zara jhoom jhoom,zara jhoom jhoom, zara jhoom… and Magneto jhoomofies to the extent not only gets de-magnetized but also get reverse polarized! <Total WTF power remember!>Then the focass shifts and the hunter becomes the hunted. Wolverine bellows, “Up Yours” and as Magneto, goes pale as he gets impaled…

I see that my work here was done… I wave to the other Xmen… I blow a kiss to the pretty Halle Berry and in true Southie style I approach one of the ricks in slow motion, and say, “Bhaiyya, Andheri jaana hain!” He nods and zooms away into the horizon…

RickTrick … leaving me standing there in a cloud of exhaust!

Our Power Supply guys should be given Param Vir Chakras 🙂

I make this statement in lieu of the amazing audacity with which they seem to take on nature’s fury head on, every single year. As the sun gets blazing on high octane (actually it’s more like Hydrogen and Helium… hah, like you care!), come the unforgiving summer, something in the Power Supply guys instill them to stand up and say… “ That the best you can hit us with, you pipsqueak… Who Daddy Whoooo! Let’s show the summer our resilience with power cuts for hours everywhere! Baah!” Great Warriors like Attila and Alexander seem like Bugs and Daffy, in front of such extreme war schemas! Anyway… Sunday saw a power-cut, in accordance to the war plans, in my area for about an hour. As the TV I was watching went dark … some dark corners of my brain drenched in light….

TV Ghost

The following is a true story. Certain parts of the text may be unsuitable for little children, babies and other semi-intelligent pets. No gory details have been edited, for viewer discretion. (Infact they have been touched up, to ruin your lunch/dinner). If ‘above 18’ Click here to continue.

The story was told to me by my cousin, one rainy afternoon (like the other 364) in Kerala. This was in turn a story that was told to him, by another of his cousin, on yet another rainy afternoon (like the other 363).

As narrated by cousin’ cousin’ (with special inputs from me, swaadanusar)

It so happened that a man walked into an electronics shop, with a wrapped up box in his hand. The contortions on his face, as he lifted it, indicated it to be something between the range of a truck and a soap box. After 13 minutes of doing knotty knotty stuff, a TV was revealed! Err… did I say TV… sorry it was a black box with smouldered plastic, and a peeling ‘deocon’ written on one side.

Transcript:

The shop owner: What happened?

TV dude: Need Repairs.

The shop owner: No shit! I thought marriage gift. So tell me… what happened?

< Readers…swear on FLOYD…once again… this is a true story>

TV dude: Lightening struck. Power went out. TV won’t start.

The shop owner: < looks at the TV that looks as if it has recently returned from a pleasure trip down the holey Vesuvius > WHAT THE F*CK HAPPENED.

TV dude: Sigh!

TV dude: Sigh!

TV dude: Sigh!

TV dude: < looks around, lowers voice and begins > So yesterday, the Rain Gods were heady on the sweet rain ( In Kerala, every other guy is a poet/sahityakaar and a drunk hence the build up!) As they partied in frenzy a stray thunderbolt found itself on course with my TV antenna… and added the extra zing to my Kittex Lungi Viewer’s Choice on Asianet. For a minute I thought I lost my eyesight, but slowly realized that the power had been shot. I quickly reached over to my Kajaa beedi, beside which my Ship matchbox rested. A match was struck and a candle soon found its ass on fire. ( Note: given the frequent outages, people in Kerala usually carry a candle along with their beedis ). And like an idiot I rested the lit candle atop the TV.

The shop owner: Gasp! You what???

TV dude: As soon as I let go, the candle rolled, and fell into the TV through the slots in the back!

The shop owner quickly looks to see the slots and retorted.

The shop owner: But, these are so thin…

TV dude: So was the candle… (Mallu logic… brillyend eh?)

TV dude:
(continuing) the candle didn’t go out I guess … then the TV set started smouldering…. And then….

The shop keeper: And then…

TV dude: my wife quickly got some water and poured it over the flames to stop the fire!

The shop keeper:
YOU BLASTED MORON! It’s a TV…not a haystack…

TV dude:
thankfully the fire stopped, otherwise my whole house would have gone up poof!

The shop keeper:
I don’t think, anyone could repair it after…

TV dude (continuing to continue): Then after a while the power was restored.

… We then switched the TV on to see whether it was working or not…

The shop keeper: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

TV dude: Power went out again, short circuit maybe, and TV burned while I searched for candle…but we didn’t pour water again, but smothered it with a thick blanket instead!

(As the near comatose electronics dude hit the ground)
TV dude: could you repair the set please???

Kerala celebrated yet another bandh that day, and somewhere, as an electronics repair guy was being haunted by the ghost of a TV, that underwent excruciating trials of the order (Fire, Water and Electrocution) that it made Schindler’s List look like Baby’s Day Out!

The Premise: Nothing short of a South Indian version of the Amazing Race. A bus ride down-south to a holy place and back again, with just more than 48 hours on you!

The Cast: 5 families complete with chintar pintar bachha party, super hyper enthu moms, visibly frustrated Papalog, bro and moi!

The Bus: Green, with 18 seats, fitting in 19 people (spare driver came along…otherwise we Mallus are good at math!), and luggage enough for 38 (Correction: Mallus are good at math… except with luggage and certain exceptional exceptions)!

Road Trip

The Story:

Night I
– First Blow- DVD player conked off… EVERY FREAKING TIME!!! So that means… a whole lot of Hindi music from the CD player in the Bus, in the coming! I hope not Himesh.

-No switches for the fans overhead! Naked wires instead! The guy went, just pull it out, if you don’t want the fan. The wire overhead sparkled through the night… some comfortable sleep!

-Next realization: chintar pintar people means chintar pintar bladders! Susu Pit stops every now and then. Point to be noted: All chintar pintars have different Susu cycles!

-Packed food and water from home, since outside food and water might harm li’l ones and elders alike! Mom packed enough water to solve the Kaaveri (aka Cauvery) issue! Can’t believe they fell short!

– After the kiddos sleep, we halt at Food Court. WadaPavs and Chai at midnight in the wintry surrounds. Bliss.

-Kiddos wake up randomly, howl, yell, scream and then sleep again, with great innocence on their parents’ shoulder. My Dad goes to sleep on mine. Full circle. I smile into the night.

-Felt real sorry for my Music Sir, who had come along, as he sat on the first seat, and got woken up just as soon as he fell asleep everytime… thanx to a brilliant concept of toll nakas! I mean, come on…dead of the night, you wake up a sleeping man and ask for money… Daakus do that! And it was a made worse with bizzare tolls ranging from 152 bucks to 13!

– Mother of all bizzares though was the amazing Road Tax! 330 bucks per person crossing the border from Maharashtra to Karnataka! It was like crossing from India to Pakistan. Nearly 6 grands for moving from one state to the next, in one’s own country… blasphemous! I snuggled into a foetal position in the seat, and slept away disgruntled, soon after.

Morn II
-I wake up to find a blasted pain in my arm, apparently on which I had slept for a long long time. It hurt real bad. Music Sir snored away musically a few seats ahead. Last night had clearly taken its ‘toll’

– 16 sada dosas and 1 puri bhaji ( that was me 😛 )+ tea and coffee. We rake up a bill of nearly 400+ at a chotu restaurant. Imagine the number of tea and coffee consumed!

– The estimated 16 hours of one way duration were long gone… and there was no sign of no temple. But the so called bhajans continued to blast away in the form of Om Shanti Om. Dard-e-Disco indeed!

-Highlight of the day was my Dad getting total enthu and jumpin and singin in sync with the bus’ speakers … POM PUPPY JAM from Partner … I was flabbergasted… Didn’t have the heart to tell him that he had the lyrix wrong ( like he cared. Hah!)

-After 21 gruelling hours we reach… I promise Maa, that this was the last bus journey I am undertaking to this place. A sumptuous lunch of cold idlis and dahi rice at 4:30pm… nice!

-We go to our rooms, bro runs into take bath, Dad knocks on door asking for soap. I hand him a pouch and he goes, “ This is Pears not Cinthol Old!” Seriously after 21 hours of dirt grime and sweat, I didn’t stop to think once, that the blasted brand of the soap mattered! I glared at him. He got the point and he walked away ( Note: Dad’s version of the story is slightly different… According to his, he left me in some pain… like you all would believe that!)

-My bro is halfway through his bath in the icy cold water realizes that a certain knob somewhere gives hot water. For once, I was glad that I allowed him to go first and freeze his sorry Mallu ass. Muahahaha

Night II
-Bro and I do this No Swearing game, considering the holiness of the place. The person who swore more loses. I win fair and square, barely 15 minutes into it, after my bro loses it trying to overpower the mundu, which was sort of mandatory. $&^%&^%**(%&$% Rofl…fun that was!

-We visit the temple, have a very good darshan. Prayed for most of you guys reading this 🙂

-Music Sir and Dad then sang at the temple, a few bhajans and devotional songs. Many thronged to hear. Was a very beautiful moment. ( Dad lost his voice the next day… was even more beautiful! Had a great time torturing him!)

-We hear this sudden commotion, and see that entry to the temple had been halted. Unfortunately, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar of the Art Of Living Fame, chose that night to grace the place. There was a much unwanted attention to the man, with people momentarily forgetting the real purpose of their visit. Both Bro and I agreed, that we would have respected him, had he stood in the line like everyone else, given his age, rather than doing the VIP act! The charade continued throughout the evening… much to my and bro’s disgust!

Morn and Night III
-5:30 am bath! FIVE FREAKING THIRTY! Come on… Post bath: Comfortably Numb!

-We perform a few more pending ceremonies and gather some fundoo ladoos as prasad. We pay the pujari guy his Dakshina… He had grey eyes! Freaky!

-We board the bus back home at 9:30 am. I pester the driver to get us home by 12 am that nite, so that I could attend a dear friend’s very special 30th birthday party.

-I sleep

-I wakeup. I sleep again

-We stop at an off the hill Kamat’s restaurant. Totally like mirage in a desert. First good food in two days!

-Bro and I order north Indian thalis. Unfortunately, they give us 2 ice creams for desserts. Ice cream do…chintar pintar chaar…bahut naa insaafi hain. The vocal prowess that followed would have put the Madonnas and Celine Dions of the world to shame. Disaster Management happens… but new records are out by then!

-I sleep

-I wake up. I sleep again…. but not before catching a beautiful sunset!

-I rudely wake up knowing that it was Monday the next day! And that I was hours away from my party that night. The kids were singing Om Shanti Om againnnnn… they didn’t look cute anymore!

-I reached home at 6am finally after spending 42 odd hours inside a bus, missing a party, and having to go to work in 2 hours. Then Akhand Pratigya happened. I am NEVER doing this again.

Afterword:
At the end of the day … after acquiring in depth info on Childcare and urinal cycles in 2-8 year olds, Disaster Management with ice creams, Bollywood Song reviews after listening to same song for 28 times, Being able to identify between horrendous and super horrendous food / identifying that it is food in the first place, electrical wiring systems for air cooling without electrocuting oneself, Interior design for buses in 5 colors recognized by guys (blue, black, white grey and others!), Ergonomic sleeping postures for comfort for minimum 42 hour semi sleepy zomboid states and at the same enjoy the little pleasures in spending time with family, I was just…… Tired… Very Very Tired!

So then 5 non-Tamilians go to watch Shivaji! Me being the most politically correct of the lot, being a ‘Madrasi’, (for the records …I hail from Kerala, so technically am a Mallu…and in no way a Madrasi!) Onto Shivaji…so to speak…all that I am to say about this movie is but an understatement!

Shivaji-The Boss…The Man

It was a riot! It was all we expected…multiplied in tens and thousands! It was Rajnikanth…from start to finish. As a matter of choice and incapability alike…this post will not talk at all about the extravagance that is the movie…it will just talk about the experience! Readon…

We knew that we were experiencing a phenomenon…then moment a slide appeared on screen that read “SuperStar Rajnikanth”…blinked, glittered and shone in 3-4 languages. I guess the only other people who had a title preceding like that in a public proclamation of these sorts was JC and ABBA! It took a full 10 minutes from the start…for Rajni’s face showed up…the wait was worthwhile! I am yet to know…why the 5 of us whistled and animatedly applauded his presence! In all my years of cinema…I had never before done that, it was a very involuntary thing! I could make out Tamil..in bits and pieces and started to settle down into the flow of the movie. I had gone with the idea of setting my brains aside for this one…but even before I proceeded to take it out… I found my brain venturing out by itself, and sharing my seat. Then the first of the ‘bouncing chewing gums’ made its appearance! Rajni had arrived… 15 more minutes on, we got introducted to a ravishing Nayantara with a super Tam glam sham…and 20 odd painted Rajnis staring at us from huge-ass pot bellies…I know that you are having difficulties understanding this…it’s a visual thing you see! A Punju frend of mine, found himself thoroughly lost…between Nayantara’s ultra-sexy curves and the jiggly-wiggly pot-bellies!

Hai(r) RAAAAAAAAM!

On screen, Rajni, since his return from the US…had acquired a strange habit of saying “Cooool” (phonetically a cross between goooool and kooo-oul…its tough…and in practice. Will upload an audio file maybe, for better understanding…when I get it right!) From bouncing chewing gums…he movies on to flipping coins! That goes…left to right…right to left…up and then down into the pocket! My brain sort of left the theatre…when the astronaut-suit came in! You have to see that to believe it! There were a few songs…and through them the word obscene got a new definition…at the site of the sets involved…From colosseums to glass houses to palatial courtyard to Mardi Gras/Venetian type Carnivals we saw it all! Like my friend suggested…the money on the songs alone, could have funded 10 odd Bheja Fries!!! Shriya who contributed to the feminine touch, was a divine sight for sore eyes…boyyyyyyy…oooooommphmax or what!

Shriyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Then there are the dialogues, that go to the lines of : “For little kids there’s Pogo…Don’t stand in front of Shivaji..Go Go!” “Chumma Edarrrrathedaa” “After six there is seven…After Shivaji there is yevan” ! You have to have to have to clap…whistle…bow down! The second half sees Rajni in an all new shiny avatar…he goes bald! He has glares on, that swivels to the back of his head, when he does a flick/nod sideways(no…no engineering contraptions there)! And yes…his style statement then, is tapping his fingers, across the bald terrains…that creates a sound to the order of a small pony doing a short burst, across open grounds! Floored…Frenzied…Rajnieeeeed!

Rajni…….eeehaww!! Software Architect At Work.

As the final words, excerpts from a gujju friend of mine….
“ Rajnikaanth transcends language barriers…. who said that one needs to be Tamilian, to understand what he does….In fact, who needs the He-mans, and the Spidermans and the Supermans…when we have…the Boss! Oh yeah…he calls himself The Boss…Bachelor Of Social Service! Beat that!

Must see movie…In true Rajni style…6 stars out of 5!

Blogging got a whole new definition the a few weeks ago. I came upon something that made me sit up say… “What in the name of Dear Lord Almighty!!!” I never knew, creativity could reach to this level of magnanimity. I then dropped on my knees, in sync with my dropping jaw…and I realized that Hindi Comix had come a looooooong looooooooooong way.

Raj Comics has been one of the leading Hindi comix guys, in India, boasting of a range of superheroes like Nagraj, Super Commando Dhruv, Bhokaal, Doga, Inspector Cheetah, Parmanu, Bhoot Uncle (Anthony), Bankelal etc. For the followers…these guys are the coolest, exteremest, ultrafantabulacious guys! For skeptics…they are DC/Marvel clones…with the Indian tadka!

Fighter Toads anyone??? These are 4 toads who fight…hence the name (In Hindi, it becomes Faay-turr Toads!) I know that fighting toads are very much like fighting turtles…but even though the toads live in a sewer, they know ninja fighting techniques, they are green in colour etc…they are by no means inspired by Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle …No Sirrr! No…nahin …Never! So then a brief intro… Their names are Fighterr, Masterr, Cuterr and Shooterr! The ‘Terr’ at the end of it all…isn’t a typo…they are named so ’cause “terr” is the sound that toads keep making throughout the comics. When it comes to innovation and inspiration…DC/Marvel and sky is the limit ;)! FYI…to throw more light on their creativity: Heres….a sample promo!

Fighter Toads!

Here’s the transcript for all those who failed to read:

Masterr: Main ik dukhi aatma huun. Mera matlab insaan. Vinashkari Tsunami ke bare main toh aap jaante hi honge, jo samudra main aayi thi. Is baar Gutter main aayi hain! Humare desh ke gutter, samudra se jude hain. Madad ke liye chanda nahin bheja toh, bakwas ki samasya main jhoojhte gutter main rehnevale ‘Hazaaron’ log mare jayenge! [I am a dejected soul…I mean humans! You might have heard about the disastrous Tsunami that hit the seas…this time they are hitting the sewers!!! (No Shit!!!) If we don’t get the charity money that people contribute as a relief fund…thousand living in this sewers will perish!] :O

Computerr: Who shabd ‘Hazaaron’ nahin …’Chaaron’ hoga Masterr, Kyunki gutter main toh sirf hum chaar rehte hain.[You mean we 4 and not thousand…cuz we 4 are the only ones in the sewer] Computerr @ work 😛

Shooterr: Ab humko kewal ik hi cheez bacha sakti hain…aur who hain logon dwara bheja hua chanda! [Now, only the relief fund can save us] Someone shot his brain!
Evil Guy: MERA YE BLOG PADHKAR…VIDESHI BHEJENGE MUJHE KARODON KA CHANDA. KYUNKI MAIN HUUN……………..BLOGGER! [ After reading my blog…all the foreigners will send me crores n crores of charity money! Because, I am………BLOGGER!] I wanna read his blogpost 😛

If you are still alive…you may post a comment!

This whole month I have virtually written nothing. No it was not work pressure or anything…in fact I think work is an excuse given by imbeciles who take their jobs too seriously! Now the real reason for my inactive blog….this comic strip!

Gaaaaaaaarfield

I got tremendously inspired by this and then I decide to do something – be lazy! Parents out of town…house to myself….and a work that just involves me sitting in my seat with a laptop. I had the perfect setting to master this art. So I became lazy…

People think that being lazy is simple…all you need to do is …nothing! Tell you what…people underestimate nothingness beeeeeegtime. You want proof…show me something that is nothing 🙂 . Infact, I was so awed by the concept of doing nothing that I took an oath to be lazy till ‘parents do us apart’. Laziness was always gonna be tough given dynamic, energetic and always-on-the-move-guy that I am 😛 (hehehe…yeah yeah go ahead shake em heads and say tsk tsk!) To tell you the truth, the novelty wore off 10 minutes into the vow…and I went whoaaa..wat the hell 2 weeks till parents come. But I hung on… First I dropped of my morning jog. That was easy to do…I got to sleep 1.5 hrs extra. Then I zipped up my morning breakfast making thing…for eg: freshly squeezed lime juice became GluconD etc.etc! Rickshaws to work happened. Work just involved sitting with laptop…and looking intelligent…that continued! Back from work…I stared into empty space for 30 minutes…waiting for shoes and socks to extricate by themselves….din happen…had to actually bend down! (Tried oiling my feet…didn’t help though) Baths were juss like sitting below a waterfall! God bless the inventor of showers. Then I switched on TV and my DivXplayer…I super blessed the remote discoverer guy! I called in food… I bowed (mentally ofcourse…no physical unwanted motions) to Graham Bell. I then tried playing my PS2…I quit 2 minutes 38 seconds into it…as I realized it took too much cerebral efforts, a lot oh hand –eye coordination and finger movements. I then juss started watching movies…I immediately switched from world cinema to hindi! Didn’t want to think…God Bless Zee Cinema! One thing I realized during this ‘lazy phase’ is that you begin to appreciate the little things in life…the things that make your life comfortable! Aaah!

This is another reason that makes this so difficult…No one can teach you to be lazy. It’s a self imbibed thing. Plus it requires immense patience, dedication, a blind ear to sarcasm and a deaf eye to motion and emotions about you. I longed for a guru! This very post went against my vow…but I write this after failing to master the art of maxima lethargica! I broke the vow…I ended up cooking a meal for myself! So then I come back from work…tired from all that sitting like a brooding hen…I decide to up my laziness quotient and sleep it off till dinner rather than exercising my pupil n my cornea watching stuff. I doze off and wake up late into the nite…and all the takeouts go shut! I was ravenous…and I couldn’t go back to sleep…especially knowing that there will be no breakfast either! Sadly…I gear up, wake up my tired, slow, lazy limbs, and I make myself some quick sandwiches and chomped on…sadly knowing that I failed.

But that’s when I realize the best part of it all…ie. Even if you fail…it just means that you ain’t lazy :D! So then I rest my case…I AM NOT LAZY …hence proved!!! Muahahhahah!

(Now that I know that I am not lazy… I shall post more often…I wonder how many will buy this though!)