As had been oracle-ized in the previous post, BatMon started begging Murugan to make him cool & powerful! He begged, he super-begged and he ultra mega begged. Murugan had said yes to him at the drop of the first beg & peg, but BatMon persisted just to show-off his persistence power.

Proof: Once his ‘then alive’ Peppa casually bet Clijju (alter ego BatMon) that he can’t pee more than 4 meters.  Clijju, then aged 5, put himself on a no pee, only beer diet for 3 continuous days and went on to define what is now known as the Gautham City’s legendary CLOP (Clijju’s Line Of Persistence) Street.

Murugan: (waking BatMon from his reverie)  “What every superhero needs, is a secret base, from where he can control his operations! And since there are not many caves in Goutham city, I found an old empty well instead. From today it will be known as Bat-Well! Remember, everything that we use from now on… should have the prefix ‘Bat’. It’s all about branding. ”

BatMon: “Bat Why? I mean but why?”

Murugan: “Bat Fact # 32 – You are black, your clothing is black & you go into the black night to hunt villains. If you don’t do branding people will accredit it all to – The Invisible Mon, you bat-head!!!”

BatMon: “Bat-point taken!”

Murugan: “Come now, follow me, I will show you your Bat-gears!”

BatMon: “Yep brb (bat right back), I will see you on the dark side of the Bat-Well soon. I need to pick the black lungis and the black banians that I gave to Chinnu-mol, for washing.”

Murugan: “BatMon, remember, NO ONE should know of our secret location!”

BatMOn: “NOW YOU TELL ME, YOU OLD FOOL… I just Bat-Twittered ‘New Hideout found, Hide-out warming party on Bat Sat Nite! Bat-RT Plz!”

Murugan: “YOU RAT-BRAINED-BAT, NO more communications, of any form, from outside the Bat-Well.

BatMon: “ Fine! Fine! Bat Off now!”

When BatMon returned to Bat-Well…. what lay in front of him, blew his head off.


Bat-Gears

1> The Bat-Suit: The Bat-Suit consisted of 3 parts: Bat-Mask, Bat-Vest & the Bat-Mundu! The difference was that, these were now reinforced with sun-dried coconut shells, flattened out and coated with termite protection & doubly-layered  titanium coated razor blades. Cutting-edge technology on show!

2> The Bat-Mobile: The biggest goof-up in the history of comics, was rectified by Murugan, by ensuring that Bat-mobile now actually is a Mobile! He had assembled the strongest cell-phone ever customized in history, by using sun-dried coconut shells, flattened out and coated with termite protection & doubly-layered titanium coated razor blade and putting it on top of a Bat-Nokia 3310. Edge technology again!

3> The BAtlas Cycle: This was a customized version of Clijju’s Peppa’s  bicycle fitted with the blaring horn of the local idli-seller Rajappan. The master craftsman, that Murugan was, did the modification in less than 30 seconds! As Murugan proclaimed with tears in his eyes, “ And this BatMon, is my greatest creation! This is your BAtlas Cycle my boy, with a new SONAR Blaster horn. Now your pimped up ride is eco-friendly as well as echo-friendly! “

Batlas Cycle

4> The Batli-lityBelt: Batmon’s utility belt, consisted of discarded little Parachute and Ujala bottles( which makes up for 41.45% of refuse in Mallu houeholds) painted black and filled with all possible liquids, that could help him. Beer & vodka shots, HCL & sulphuric acid, Snake Venom & anti venom, Chloroform & Styrofoam everything…  Coconut Oil?– Obviously! Due to some initial start-up trouble and forgetting which bottle contains what, Batmon now has a Bat shaped hole in his trachea.

5> The Batter – Rangs/Hooks: This was another collab between Idli vendor Rajappan & Murugan. All the unsold idilies*(which practically accounted for all idlies made), were purchased by Murugan and after cutting up into little bat shapes, they were allowed to remain overnight. They automatically turned titanium hard. Now this solved the problems over stake outs  & stealth missions alike. Batmon could use it as a hook to grapple or throw as a boomerang  as well and munch on it over long hungry nights. Murugan who was a knowledgeable man got inspired to make this, on remembering the famous (Movie-)Mughal Emperor Nasir-ud-din Shah famous words of wisdom:  Thoda Khaaneka, Thoda Fekneka….

BatMon quickly got himself into the gears and cycled his way laboriously into the dark inky night! Alfie & Murugan wiped away their tears, and drank to his health.

Does BatMon’s suit hold up? Did Chinnumol do a good job at washing? How much did Alfie & Murugan drink that night? Tune in next time. Same BatSite. Same BatURL!

*Unsold Idlies: In Kerala, every house at any point in time, has more idlies than house-flies, per square meter, [as per the WHO & FDA joint census venture 2008]. So an idli vendor in Kerala is considered the lowest order degenerate whose skill is secondary to that of the lazy local 3 footed, one eyed, half-eared mongrel. No mongrelian feelings were meant to be harmed while framing the above statement.

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Next Episode:

Batmon finds a fiery adversary.  As to every ‘Ying’, there is a ‘Yang’. Similarly as to every ‘Ping’, there is a ‘Pong’. Similarly, as to every ‘Batmon’ there is a ……  ‘JOGGER’! What happens in a face-off when Batmon’s black face, comes face to face, with The Jogger’s white face.  The Rising Of  The Jogger!

Very Very Bat Joke:

Q: Where does Batmon keep all his money?

A: In his Bat-wa  😛

( Pic Courtesy: Thakkar & Burk )

BatMon was still learning. After the proclamation to serve Goutham City in his previous blogpost , there was not much ground that he had covered (and he was feeling rather stupid for taking the oath as well. But the damage was already done). He had taken many a wrong steps & as a matter of fact, one particular one had given him a swollen ankle.

But ever determined to succeed and to do his part right, like all good superheroes, he tried to be helpful. To know more on this, he did some web research. Spidey promptly sued him for unauthorized access into his domain. Alfie, BatMon’s Manager, got that one artbitrated over a round of desi and appams.

BatMon’s second attempt on being the harbinger of surprises and happiness was doubly dhamaakedaar. He looked up and searched as to which super hero or superhero like figure was looked at with much respect and love. He tried to emulate being the black version of the red guy, and started dropping alcohol bottles down the chimneys of the neighbourhood houses, at the stroke of the midnight hour.

There is still a serial arsonist case pending at Goutham City police Station, against the 10 houses that were burnt to cinders by a masked marauder.

As the wipmy BatMon cried into the night, yet again, as on every other night, he met him.

Silhouette Person: “Yo Mon BatMon, ssup dawg!”

BatMon: “You got the wrong animal Pa … bugger off”

SP: “Come now … I am not here to preach. I am here to help you … the name’s Murugan!”

BM: “Right … and what do you do?”

M: “Me … Nothing! I am just a free man!”

BM: “So what does that make you?”

M: “Murugan Freeman”

BM: “Right … I have heard of you. I always thought you were a voice over!”

MF: “On most days yes … but for you, as of today, I am your in house tech expert. I come to you, with years and years of texperience to boast off. Any Mallu super cool stuff, you name it … I made it.

Slip-on elastic lungies to waterproof anti-rain undies. Diet Coco to Microwave Payasam to Moustache curlers to Paper Dosa 2.0! ”

BM: ” WTF is Paper Dosa 2.0 ?”

MF: ” You get an actual paper with all the Masala to read along while you eat? Aint it neat?”

BM:”Hmmm … but why do you want to help me?”

MF: ” I owe almost all of my success to your father. As a kid I was young … ”

BM: “Would have never guessed!”

MF: ” … and heady! After discovering the slip-on lungi, my name had spread far and wide… in Goutham city. And I started looking down on people. One day, I drank too much and started abusing your father, and I laughed off Alfie’s coconut-flavored-groundnut-brandy-with-sparkling-banana chips AlfieQ. Your father couldn’t stand me disgracing his dear friend & had thrown a challenge, as to who will find the solution to Kerala’s biggest problem, faced by 80% of Mallus all over Juhu- Chowpatty and other beaches – Cutting the Coconut to drink the water within!”

BM:  * Snore… Snore…ZZZZzzzzz!*

MF:”… we were to meet exactly one year later and demonstrate out skills.

Using all the money I earned from the patents, I reached Shaolin, a mountaineous village just off Palakkad, and learnt the “7-slash polyhedral-coconut-break-technique”

And on the D-day, I reached over to your father’s house. I called him names, and got all the villagers together, hell bent on disgracing your family name. Knowing that I would totally kill it,  I displayed my awesumness technique, for which I spent all my fortunes and trained like crazy for a year.

* Batmon groggily wakes up, rolls over to a nearby tree, waters it, rolls back to sleep *

MF: “After my powerfully powerful show of strength I was expecting a jaw transplant for your Pappa, supposed to be caused due it crashing into the floor … but … your Father didn’t even blink an eye. He smiled. He took his coconut and in one neat move, ran a handy power-drill through it, put a straw in and drunk it smugly!  The villagers clapped.  A battery operated handy power drill… that was it … the solution to a million Malayali coconut vendors over the world. Oh and how they rejoiced! Coconut husks thrown skywards in celebration, blocked out the sun!

Your Pappa had never even left his shop and had quadrupled his earnings. He only spent Rs.1999.99 on Item code:  B@TP0P from Tele Shopping Network. My aerodynamic wind tunnel tested HattoriKuttan Hanzo Ammaman’s sword alone had cost me 50 times as much. No cable in Shaolin … so no TSN, otherwise perhaps the story could have been different. But that’s destiny!

He taught me an important lesson that day…

BatMon: * muttering in sleep* “Mmmm Batgirl… Mmmmm. Who Pappa whoooo. Yeah baby…. Yes Batterram Bam Bam!”

MF:”Even a perfect thing, can still be perfected. He taught me that! Now, the right time is afoot and I shall pass on the legacy to…  Oh you are asleep! I never noticed … perhaps another time!”

* to himself aloud * “Wow he has made a Bat Tent with his cape … but, sadly it only covers his waist! I will have to optimize it. All in good time! Sleep Batmon, Mon Ami, Sleep! May Your Bat Hood always come to your rescue ! (He meant the mask you twisted creeps!)”

What happens to BatMon? How does Murugan help him find his destiny? Was Batgirl truly satisfied …. for all this tune … no may be not the last question… but for the rest, tune in next time. Same BatSite. same BatURL!

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Next Episode:

BatMon Beggings!

BatMon begs Murugan to make him cool! And cool he gets with gadgets and new equipments! Murugan at his best!

Note:  BatMon & Batcove episode was censored by the board, as scientists out there seems to be a continued argument regarding the Batting positions. Also the board felt that as an author I was turning on the heat too early, for cheap publicity! Such batty creatures …

Very Very Bat Joke:

Q: Hey Batmon, you and Robin attended the same courses in college?

A: No, different courses, but he was my Bat-mate  😛

The Place:

It all started in the small village in Kerala, 12-odd kilometers north of Thrissur and to the south of Jammu, called Gouthamanapuram. But the encroaching developments had transformed the face of this teeny little obscure rained-in-24×7-village into < bated breath … Asthma & bronchitis people please go easy> GOUTHAM CITY! It was a city that remained overlooked by the Kerala State Electricity Board till 2004, considering it as jengle-land. They were finally discovered during the State I&B Department’s Cellular Rural Availability Programme <CRAP> Campaign. After much hoo-hulla and a brief powerful display of power to light up 15 zero volt bulbs, KSEB had started load-shedding. This being the powerless history of a powerful dark city, (once again for brand recall) GOUTHAM CITY!

The Man / The Mon:

BatMon (Picture Courtesy: Sood Dood & Mammooty)

He was born Bloomingkumaran Atapatachatathomveetil Todallyawesumeshwara Megadethmetallikeyakkarin Odipoyipattikuttidath Nunson. And like all kids born with the aforementioned name in Kerala, he was lovingly called Clijju. If you were to ask me why he was so called, I could have in-turn asked you to go ask his Peppa, but he had died when Clijju was just Cli. I could have asked to ask his Memmy, but the day Peppa died, Memmy also rode along, with a one-way ticket to the dark side.

< Flash-bag>

To say that Clijju was born with a silver spyoon in his mouth would have been an understatement. Like most affluent Mallus, he was born with a GOLD – Joy Allukas Limited editions one. Peppa was the local toddy-baron; he owned 8 toddy shops in central Goutham city, which only had 16 houses in all to begin with. By the age of 6, Clijju had his own toddy shop! Clijju was sent to school but every-time he sat for an exam, he was only able to spell half his name, before the time was up.

His childhood dream of being the youngest Marxist Party MLA by the age of 10 was lost amongst waiting tables in the toddy shops, even though he had strike-rate of 128 bandhs / year to his name. But even then Clijju had a much contended life, having fish for breakfast, fish for lunch and fish for dinner at night and late night drinks with Peppa and his school friends. Not to mention the wonderful Gazelle Nites at his shack, which he spent with Peppa, listening to famous tracks like ‘Toddy toddy piya karo’ and ‘Toddy si jo pi li hain’ …

That ‘black’ day, yes … it was ‘Rock-Night’ theme at Toddy HQ, their neighbour Thomachhan had called for yet-another bottle of liquor. Clijju knew that like the 234.5 bottles before,Thomachchan wouldn’t pay for this one too. But keeping in mind, Peppa’s standing instructions, on never saying no to a thirsty person, Clijju obliged. Clijju, knowingly handed Tom a bottle with a crack in it. Thomachhan was too drunk to notice anyway. On a high, Thomachhan, who was a ‘penk rogger’ by heart, started singing ‘I am the firestarter… I am the fire-starter’ and whirled around like a dervish, spilling toddy through the crack on all seated in that shop. It was like join the dots, except ’twas join the people. Clijju, aged 10, missed the spew, because of his tiny height.

Still angered at all the mess that was happening, Clijju, who was already high of his 10th bottle, threw a benananana peel purposely into Thomachhan’s orbit. But the prank went awfully wrong from here on. Thommachchan slipped and along with him the bottle slipped and landed near the kerosene stove. As predicted, he was indeed the fire starter. All around shop things start really heating up. No … I meant the other actual heating up … thermodynamically speaking, fire types. In a matter of minutes, everyone in the shop got lighted up like a lavangi during Diwali & the tape recorder symbolically gave a soulful rendition of Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring Of Fire’.

The last words that Peppa told Memmy were, “You are really glowing tonight!” And Clijju could tell that, this time, he really really meant it. With tear–filled eyes, Clijju watched away as his Peppa and Memmy embraced each other and poofed up in smoke. All around there was gloom, the mood had gone deep purple … and instinctively the tape recorded played … yes you guessed right … no not ‘Stairway to Heaven’ (see italicised hint morons) … it played … err … ‘Fireball’.

The searing heat had vaporized all of Clijju’s tears. He promised, I will cry no more. I am not as lachrymally challenged as that wimpy Spiderman. The moody tape recorder quickly spewed Ozzy with ‘No More Tears’.

That day in the dead of the night, he took an oath of no return.
“I, Bloomingkumaran Atapatachatathomveetil Todallyawesumeshwara Megadethmetallikeyakkarin Odipoyipattikuttidath Nunson …”

(by the time he said this much the sun was up, so the rest of the oath continued the next night)

“I … err the same guy as yesterday, will forever extinguish all the flames in my life forever, and forever I will embrace the dark forever and ever. Really …  forever!”

The Mon-ager

As, Clijju, screamed into the night, unaware to him, all his anguish was being viewed by someone else. High in the nocturnal inkiness, a heartbroken Freddie chorused Clijju’s scream … the only emotion Freddie ever emoted in his life. Momentarily, Freddie got carried away, making him lose his grip and falling off the palm tree, he was frisking liquor from. Clijju, whirled around to see Alfred, his Peppa’s best toddy brewer, standing there … err … in his undies. Clijju quickly climbed up the tree and retrieved Freddie’s lungi, from amongst the palm fronds. After all what are fronds for … I mean … friends for!

It was then that Freddie spoke in his Cainian Mallu monotone,“That was fast Master , but I can tell that there is room for improvement. I can make Faster, Stronger … and definitely get you Higher”.  With that, Freddie offered Clijju the fresh toddy he had just collected. He continued, “I know about the whole disaster… my heart moans with you. For me, your Father was like Dionysus himself, and your Mother gave me as much love…err I mean respect, as much she gave your Father. Your loss … is my loss …” Suddenly Kapil Dev dropped out of nowhere and said, “Our Loss!”

After that supremely awkward moment, Freddie, again held out a bottle of his best brew and continued, “Endure, Master. Take it. They’ll hate you for it, but that’s the point of Clijju, he can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice the right brew”

It was then that Clijju knew that he should hold no regrets … and that he had to stand true by his brew, and forever serve Goutham city!

He screamed again………..

“I am THE DARK KNIGHT… Bloomingkum…no let me stick to my initials…”

“I am B.A.T.M.O.N!!!”

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Next Episode:
Batmon & Batcove!

Brand Sponsors: Kerala Tourism. To win couple passes for 2 nights and 3 more nights at the BatCove SMS CoveLove to 12345 or call on our toll free number 1800-HOT-BAT!!! Hurry and special Early Bat prizes to be won!

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BatMon Post 2: Tech That BatMon

BatMon Post 3: BatMon Gears Up!